The majority of mortals, Paulinus, complain bitterly of the spitefulness of Nature, because we are born for a brief span of life, because even this space that has been granted to us rushes by so speedily and so swiftly that all save a very few find life at an end just when they are getting ready to live.
-Seneca
This is my greatest fear: That just when I’m ready to live my life, that it will be at an end. Our time is finite on this earth and as they say, tomorrow is not guaranteed.
These words of course are much easier said than done. I find myself time and time again consumed with this stupid little box that fits so easily in my hand, and provides so readily, every type of time wasting content you could ever want. Stuck in repetitive scroll holes, I keep trying to find those dopamine hits that will make me feel better, feel wanted, and feel appreciated by seeking the affection and attention of whatever stranger might want to pay attention on to me on Grindr or Scruff.
Years ago, I learned to tie value and self-worth to who found me attractive and who wanted to sleep with me. I know I know, this is completely wrong and horribly detrimental but that is what life has become from the days of a horny teenager to now, a middle-aged adult. I’m not sure exactly how I got here. How did I let the opinions of others and whether they found me attractive rule my life? Whether in a relationship or not I found myself seeking the attention of random dudes that couldn’t give a shit less about me beyond getting of.
So here we are today. I had the day off from work, got some decent rest (making up for the crap sleep I had the night before), and in my mind I had a plan for the day. Did I follow that plan? Hell no! It started out normal-ish, I woke up and did my morning routine, taking care of the pup, brushed my teeth, showered and then made my morning cappuccino. As I sipped, I thought about my plan of the day. What I intended to do, and what I needed to do were life chores: reconcile my budget, grocery shop, hit the gym and get a ruck in, and then take myself out on a date (Thanks John Kim). What exactly did I accomplish? Well….glad you asked…had the coffee, and did my budget, then my ass got lazy. Grindr took over…scroll, scroll, scroll, chat, scroll some more.
Finally around 3pm I decided to get off my ass and do something. In the course of running to Home Depot and mid conversations with a douche that by the way is married he just made me feel like shit, nothing in particular just our interaction once he figured out I wasn’t just going to stop everything to satisfy his urges.
That sort of kicked me in the junk….and sent me down a hole. I got pissed, irritated, annoyed. So as not to waste the whole afternoon, I decided to hit the grocery store, except, because of my new mood, there seemed to be every idiot driver on the road, in their defense it was 5pm and rush hour, as much as there is one here. In reality people were driving normal, I was just in a shitty mood because of that interaction…So I decided to go home…but not before I decided to swing by McDonald’s to, you guessed it, eat my emotions. Unfortunately, I haven’t quite cracked the code on stopping myself BEFORE I pull into the parking lot. What I should have done was just go home, cool off, re-center myself and then go to the grocery store as I had intended.
So this is where I am, on some circle of hell in Dontaaaay’s gay inferno.
What would Seneca say of my scenario? How would he tell me to get off my ass and seize the day? Make the most of the time I have? I hope that answer may come as I thumb through his essays, and reflect on what he wrote so long ago and how it applies, or can apply to me and my life now and in the future.
