This Journey of Mine

I took myself on a date the other night. First time I think I’ve ever done that. Sure I’ve gone out to eat with a reservation for “loser, party of one” before however I think this is the first time I’ve gone out alone with the specific purpose of going on a date…with myself.

I went to an Italian restaurant in Perry Georgia that I had been to before (with my ex) and it was about as good Italian as I think you will get in Middle Georgia. It reminds me of the local Italian restaurants I’d frequent back home which in a sense I think helps ground me.

I grabbed a seat at the bar and was greeted by a smiling and friendly bartender which put me at ease and made me feel welcome and comfortable. As I sat there trying not to spend time on my phone and notice the people in the restaurant and enjoy the atmosphere, I caught eyes with a waiter across the room. He was someone that I had chatted with online a few nights before, I know what you’re thinking and no I wasn’t there because he worked there…He came over to chat in between attending to his tables. We shared some friendly banter and warm smiles. The ironic part in all this is that I was not going to go out that night, It was getting late and I was just going to cave to the laziness of my day and spend yet another evening in a vegetative state on the couch binge watching another British crime drama (thanks Amazon Prime TV).

We shared a few drinks after his shift as we talked and got to know each other. Had I not gone out, obviously I would have missed that opportunity. I will admit that this was way outside the norm for me. I’m not used to (now anyway) putting myself out there and being vulnerable and open to what may come. I have grown all too comfortable with sinking into my couch cushions and avoiding social contact once I leave work. I sit there miserably on nights and weekends stuck in the thoughts that spiral you down and I have no idea why. Almost paralyzed at the idea of leaving my apartment. I think this comes from insecurity that has developed over the years and a side of body dysmorphia and the ever-present self-defeating statement that “no one would find me attractive.”

Taking myself on this date was a good first step as I try and reclaim what I used to be, to get back to the extroverted person I once was. I’m pretty sure I know when the feelings of self-doubt and lack of confidence developed, but that’s a topic for another time.

I’ll close with this…I’m starting to believe that “dating yourself” is important to becoming the person you want to be and the person you want others to know, that before I can give myself to someone else, I need to know who the heck I am.