This Journey of Mine

In the course of normal breakup (over)reactions, I had blocked my ex on social media even though we remained “friends” (I put that in quotes because I didn’t realize at the time friendship had an expiration date). We were still living together and civil. It seemed as though the breakup was amicable and civil.

Foolishly, I unblocked him on social media—Facebook to be specific and I’m not entirely sure why I did that, or what motivated me nearly eighteen months later after we ended things, and nearly six months after he told me that he could no longer help with watching our dog because he was “talking to someone.” Well there it was in all its glory…relationship status: In a relationship. As if that wasn’t enough of a gut punch there was a picture of him in an intimate pose with what I assume to be his new “man.”

I don’t really care that much that he’s seeing someone, it’s “whatever” but what really bothers me is that for the six years of our relationship he absolutely refused to acknowledge our relationship in such a public way yet demanded that I acknowledge it on my socials. He always had an excuse as to why he couldn’t and it always seemed to be my fault. And he certainly never ever posted any pictures of us on his page however was more than happy to post them on mine.

He always used the Marine Corps as a scapegoat for his cowardice in that things would be hard for him if his “buddies” knew he was gay…got news for you dude…they already knew. When “cuddly bear” pops up on your phone repeatedly…and they see it, and ask you who that is…they know. Find me a woman out there that has a nickname cuddly bear.

This was my fuck you moment. Or rather fuck him. I wrote a letter to him in my journal that will never be sent, but needed writing to get the hurt out of me and on to a page. I was furious and hurt that I wasted the last six years of my life with someone who was apparently so embarrassed and ashamed of me that he couldn’t acknowledge our relationship.

I think this was a pivotal moment for me in this journey to discover who I am and what I want. Not just from a partner, but from life in general. I want to be “me,” my authentic self and no longer compromise on who I am and what I want from a partner, which on recollection, I think I have done in nearly every relationship.

I’m not in a rush (despite rapidly approaching forty-six years of age), I’m not desperate to find my next partner. I feel content being single for now, as much as that might suck on those lonely nights when I crave nothing more than to have some human contact and connection. Maybe that’s why I have a dog…

As much as discovering that felt like taking the butt end of a telephone pole to the stomach, I’d like to look on it as a positive, negative experience (is there such a thing?). It made me realize that it’s ok, and it’s time to move on from the past with a hopeful eye to the future.