This Journey of Mine

Don’t ask me why, but I made a Snapchat account. I still think it’s stupid and pointless unless your goal is to doom scroll the lives of insignificant people you don’t know—then it’s great!

So, typical social platform it takes your contacts and recommends people you know to add friends. I didn’t go crazy adding people, I just let it sit and if someone wanted to add me then cool. Some straight friends, some gay. Some people I haven’t talked to in years all of a sudden wanted to connect and have meaningless chit chat conversations.

I was added by someone I used to know when I lived in San Antonio. We went on a few dates while I was there but nothing ever materialized beyond casual flirtations via text. We hadn’t really spoken since I left in 2018 other than some incidental “hey how are you?” texts followed by some picture requests.

So here we are, chatting the other day on snapchat. The normal, “how are you?” “where are you living now?” kind of things. Then he asked as he always does for some “NSFW” pictures of me, for his own gratification. So I asked him… “are you in a relationship?” annnnnnd silence. After a few minutes he responded “does it matter?” Yes it matters!

Now I won’t pretend that in the past I cared. I didn’t. But this is the new me, and I’m realizing you become what you allow and what you encourage. I denied him, and he got pissy. So I blocked him.

Can I tell you what a liberating feeling that was! Here comes this dude, who was at least at one point very attractive-a former cheerleader for an NBA team, suave and sexy, and I didn’t cave. My ability to shut that down and reject his request was a big moment for me. I felt like I stood up for myself by not submitting to being nothing more than an object for someone else to covet.

Aside from all of that…why are you over hear asking me for x-rated pictures when you’re in a relationship? What’s wrong with your man? What’s wrong with your relationship? Now, I promise I’m not on some sanctimonious high horse, as I too have done the same thing in relationships. But for real…go be with your main, or leave him, or something other than ask me for NSFW pics…

I hope this is a turning point for me and how I allow myself to be used (or not as the case may be). I’m starting to believe as I said earlier that you are what you allow, and you are what you encourage. To be true to myself and move past issues that have disrupted and ended relationships in the past, I can’t allow myself to be an object.

There’s more to the story to unpack which I’ll put out in another post, but I don’t think my story is unique certainly among gay men and how we allow others to objectify us in a failed attempt give ourselves value.