This Journey of Mine

So, I was searching for books on dopamine and stumbled across Dopamine Nation by Dr Anna Lembke. Admittedly the cover graphics got me and of course all the usual Amazon praise: “Instant New York Times and Los Angeles Times bestseller…”. So I figured what the heck, it’s got colorful cover art, rave reviews, maybe this is my next book to read on my journey to understand who I am, and why I’m seemingly stuck in the rut that I am with all the ambition and motivation of a garden slug.

The typical thoughts run through my head. Am I just lazy? Am I doomed to failure and unrealized potential for the rest of my life? Will I be overweight and single for the rest of my days? All of these questions and more flood my thoughts almost daily. You would think that’s enough to motivate me and propel me off the couch to “get my life together” but it’s not.

By all accounts from the outside looking in, my life is normal. Above average one might say. I have a good career, I make good money, and at least sometimes have good ambition. But the reality is that on the inside I’m stuck in a giant mud hole trying to get out. And like an animal struggling to get on dry land, I too struggle internally clawing at the bank to break free from what holds me…but exhausted and drained I give up and sit in this mud pit of despair until I conserve just enough energy to try and claw my way out again.

My thoughts trap me in this metaphorical mud pit. I feel as though I’m not attractive (even though people do in fact find me physically attractive), I have the knowledge to build the physical body I want but the desire to actually do something about it isn’t there.

Why?!?! I ask this daily. Why can’t I get off the couch? Why Can’t I stop eating even though I know I should? Why can’t I stop buying things on Amazon that lets face it, I don’t really need anyway.

So, I downloaded Dopamine Nation on my kindle and started to read. First the introduction, then chapter one, then chapter two, and now on chapter three (I’ve had it for two days).

It’s as if Dr Lembke wrote the first chapter for me. Now, for those of you who may have read this-I do not have a homemade masturbation machine…I’m not that bad! But pornography consumes hours of my day…and when I say hours…I mean HOURS.

I’m beginning to understand I think, that my brain is addicted to the flood of dopamine that occurs when I consume “my drug of choice” …gay porn.

As I head into 2026, I want to explore and understand this better. Why do I feel the need to consume pornography. What impact has it had on relationships-all my relationships. How do I make a change in my life to break the cycle of porn consumption and replace it with “pain” and rebalance myself and learn to seek pleasure from things that are productive and beneficial to me.